scripted by the past
A relationship truth is this: We put up with it—until we don’t.
In the first twenty years of life, we absorb habits from our two most significant teachers: our parents. In the twenty years that follow, we apply those patterns to our relationships. Sometimes we repeat them directly, living them out as if scripted—a complex. Other times, we rebel and do the opposite—a reaction formation. Often, we unconsciously attract people and circumstances that mirror those early dynamics. This is transference, and its twin, countertransference.
We lie to ourselves and others about these patterns. But unless we tend the family garden—pulling the weeds of dysfunction—bad seeds will flourish, and bear bitter fruit. Eventually, we wake to find ourselves entangled in a dense thicket of habits. From inside, all we can see is a sliver of blue sky, a reminder that something else exists.
As children, we endured the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” that placed us in our families of origin. Survival meant putting up with it. But as adults, we no longer have to. There is a pre-Pandora kingdom waiting—a place of possibility before the pain. To reach it, we must leave the briar patch behind and set out in search of our true home.
On the path, you’ll meet people with thorns. They prick you.
You tolerate it—until you see you don’t have to.
You know you’re getting closer to your true home when you stop putting up with the pricks.
You know you’re getting closer to
the third eve
your true home when you stop
putting up with the pricks.
words that work
Those who grew up among thorny people learned to stay silent in the face of abuse, distortion, dissembling, dysfunction. When hurtful words were spoken, we were children—unequipped, uncertain, unable to respond. And when we entered adulthood, that silence often followed us.
But as we heal and grow, something shifts.
We discover there is much that can be said.
We discover how to use words that work.
Here are some things I would have said, had I known what to say:
- I expect words and deeds to match.
- Choosing peace means letting go of those who only cause pain.
- Whatever your true religion of self is, live it like you mean it.
- I am worthy of respect and kindness.
- Proximity isn’t presence.
- I will not protect your comfort at the cost of my integrity.
- I see through the performance now. I trust what I see.
- Your story isn’t the only one that counts. Mine is real too.
- I am not an object to be used. I’m a person.
What would you have said?
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