punished for being different
Earlier this week, I felt an unsettling mix of sadness and anger as I watched a little boy I know spiral into the dark void of doubt–a place where sensitive, artistic boys often land, or are pushed, when they are made to believe that their most beautiful and unique qualities are actually defects. In this case, the child’s teacher and parent became willing accomplices, reinforcing the painful and false message: Something is wrong with you.
Some truths should be obvious, yet they often go unspoken: Boys are different from girls. They begin differently, they develop differently, they behave differently in school–often to their own detriment. The disciplinary methods may have changed over time, but the outcome remains the same. Since publicly-schooled children can no longer be hit or shamed by teachers, punishment has taken a new form: Today, schools slap the child with a label instead of a ruler.
Without meaning to, schools and parents often fail boys in a system shaped by cultural norms, clinical diagnoses, pharmaceutical incentives, and institutional pressures. Instead of recognizing natural differences in development and temperament, they respond with punishment or misdiagnosis–labeling boys who struggle to conform as problems to be fixed rather than individuals to be understood.
how we fail boys
What has happened over the past 20-30 years is that the schools and counselors have changed the labels they give little boys who don’t fit in, but they haven’t changed their intolerance for little boys–or big boys, for that matter. It’s been well-documented that boys develop differently and, in some disciplines, more slowly, than girls. Girls tend to be better academic performers because they are often good with language and details, and want to please the teacher. Boys tend to be better at athletics and feats of strength and daring, and want to please or impress other boys. This causes problems for the classroom teacher tasked with teaching and controlling 25-30 students, about half of whom are boys behaving badly (i.e., like boys).1
There’s good research supporting the idea that boys ought to start school later than girls, and that starting them in academics too soon can have negative consequences.2 If boys must start school early, and jump through the same hoops as girls, then (we’re told) they’ll do better if they can learn in female-dominated classrooms.
over-diagnosis of add & adhd
During the 1990s diagnosed cases of ADHD and ADD rose significantly. More than one in ten school-age children in the United States met the criteria for ADHD, with one in five high school boys receiving the diagnosis.3 These labels became such broad diagnostic catch-alls that they triggered a cautionary backlash among mental health providers, ultimately leading to a more balanced approach to diagnosis.
Referrals of boys behaving badly to experts who would diagnose and medicate them worked this way:
- Boy acts like usual self.
- Boy annoys teacher mightily.
- Teacher sends notes home.
- Boy annoys teacher more and, with other boys, disrupts classroom.
- Teacher sends notes home and calls parents.
- Boy has Incident and is sent to office, and parents are called.
- Teacher, parents, and principal meet.
- Behavior checklists and pre-diagnostic checklists are sent home.
- Parent fills out checklists; Teacher fills out checklists.
- School counselor meets with all, and it is determined that Boy is, in fact, the Spawn of Satan and must be Diagnosed, Medicated, and sent to the Specialist-Who-Tutors-the-Demonically-Possessed.
- Child is removed from classroom for several hours per day/per week/forever, and Teacher is now happy.
- Child has a special label to wear for the rest of his school years, which comes in handy whenever excuses are needed.
Interdisciplinary journal Frontiers in Psychiatry has published a series of seven articles focusing on ADHD.
alternatives to diagnosis
The reasons a child doesn’t quite fit in are as varied as the number of children who feel or are perceived that way. As a culture, we are too ready to label and diagnose children, often making debilitating mistakes that harm them in the process. Not every child who seems out of step is diagnosable; their intellects, temperaments or personalities may be at either end of a bell curve. The child may be a budding artist, scientist, or reincarnation of Carl Jung or other luminary who doesn’t “fit in.” We may never know if we medicate the child into oblivion.
Another possibility is that the child who doesn’t fit in is what Elaine Aron calls a Highly Sensitive Person (she has also written a book about the highly sensitive child). A checklist for assessing whether your child is highly sensitive can be found here.
The highly sensitive child
- Is aware of subtleties in the environment.
- Is affected by the moods of others.
- Tends to be sensitive to pain.
- Needs to withdraw from too much stimulation.
- Is especially sensitive to caffeine.
- Can be overwhelmed by bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, loud noises, etc.
- Shows evidence of a rich inner life.
- Is deeply moved by the arts or music.
- Startles easily.
- Is easily stressed.
- Is sensitive to the suffering of others.
- Is overwhelmed when too many demands are made of him.
- Is troubled by violent movies or TV.
- Doesn’t deal well with change, and needs help in new situations.
Sex, gender, personality or temperament may also explain behaviors that cause a child to move from the middle to either end of a spectrum, but they should never be grounds for labeling a child who started life within the normal range of human development.
parents, trust your instincts
I believe that the child who began life acting within normal behavioral limits may not remain there if we ignore our instincts and listen to others who aggressively insist they know better. We are especially prone to dismissing our instincts when our parents themselves were role models for doing the same. Some parents never develop or recognize their intuition, which bodes ill for the child at their mercy.
Even parents who do heed their instincts may devalue their inner wisdom when faced with a posse of educators and experts telling them there’s something wrong with their child. When a child is highly sensitive, exceptionally artistic, or highly intelligent—traits that make them stand out among their peers—it’s easy to succumb to the urge to label their unusual behaviors as problematic. The child suffers when parents ignore what their wise minds and instincts are telling them.
Parents, please listen carefully to your innermost selves. Don’t assume that the pit in your stomach is communicating that something is badly wrong with your child. Of course it’s possible that something is wrong; however, it’s just as possible that nothing is wrong with your child, and that everything is wrong with the situation, the environment, the caregiver, or the teacher. Your highly intuitive boy may need to live in La-La Land for another year, even if La-La Land is not a welcome part of the kindergarten curriculum. He may need three hours of preschool rather than six daily. He may benefit from a break from preschool for six or twelve months.
my bad boy
One of my sons was, by all accounts, a “bad” boy. His behavior was so disruptive that, during a week when his regular teacher was on leave, he reduced the fifth-grade substitute teacher to tears–every single day. This wasn’t an isolated incident, but the culmination of years in public school, during which I was summoned to the office nearly weekly to discuss his behavior with teachers and administrators. They pleaded with me to medicate him, insisting it was the only solution. But I knew better. He wasn’t suffering from a disorder–he was simply an unapologetically exuberant boy, one who landed at the extreme end of the bell curve in terms of energy and engagement.
Despite my certainty, I sympathized with the teachers and students who wanted order over spectacle. They deserved education more than they deserved entertainment. So I issued my son an ultimatum: If he made the teacher cry one more time, public school would be over for him. I would withdraw him and homeschool him until he learned to channel his energy into something productive. He tested me–I followed through.
After five years of homeschooling, that same bad boy returned to school–not as a troublemaker, but as a star basketball player and a remarkable young man. He remains a stellar human being to this day.
rethinking labels
Homeschooling isn’t the right fit for every family, nor is every parent equipped to take it on–but one thing all parents should approach with caution is the lasting impact of labels. A diagnosis or classification, once assigned, can shape a child’s self-perception and future opportunities in profound ways. While some labels offer clarity and support, others become burdens that take years to overcome. Whenever possible, it’s more effective to delay or reconsider labeling, ensuring that a child’s differences are understood rather than simply managed for adult convenience.
Sometimes, what’s truly needed is a shift in environment, approach, or expectations to allow children to thrive on their own terms. I encourage parents–especially those early in their journey–to have confidence in their intuition, as it often leads to the best outcome for their child, their family, and the unique circumstances that shape them.
notes
- McDonald, Kerry. “The ADHD overdiagnosis epidemic is a schooling problem, not a child one.” Foundation for Economic Education, Apr. 2019. ↩︎
- Miller, Jake. “The difference a year makes.” The Harvard Gazette, Nov. 2018. ↩︎
- Manos, Michael J., Kimberly Giuliano, and Eric Geyer, “ADHD: Overdiagnosed and overtreated, or misdiagnosed and mistreated?” Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine, Nov. 2017, 84 (11) 873-880. ↩︎
resources
- Day, Nichola. “The Best Way to Support Highly Sensitive Kids in School.” Sensitive Refuge, 2 Feb. 2022.
- Hildenbrand, Kim. “Public School for Profoundly Gifted Children.” Profoundly Gifted Parenting, n.d.
- Holland, Kimberly. “The History of ADHD: A Timeline.” Healthline. 30 Aug. 2024.
- Mills, Sheelah. “The Scientific Integrity of ADHD: A Critical Examination of the Underpinning Theoretical Constructs.” Frontiers in Psychiatry, 20 Dec. 2022.
- Montessori Mother ELC. “Understanding Your Child’s Temperament.” 17 Nov. 2019
- PBS: Understanding Your Child’s Temperament, 20 Sep. 2015.
- Sharma, Priyank. “Kid Doesn’t Fit in School, or School Doesn’t Fit with the Kid?” Medium, 27 Oct. 2020.
- Urbane, Jill. “The Three Basic Types of Temperament.” The Mentor Mom, 19 Sep. 2006.
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