Patricia: Part 4

She was in a city of cobble-stoned streets and narrow, covered walkways that twisted and turned here and there. The air felt dense and cloying, and a low-lying thick fog permeated everything. Patricia was running and stumbling along the street, chasing a scrawny gray alarmed cat that seemed neither adult nor kitten, having the size of an adolescent feline.

As she ran, Patricia felt mounting exasperation and rage. No matter how close she seemed to get to the cat, she could never catch it.

Suddenly, the cobbled streets were gone and Patricia was in a brightly lit, sterile environment like a hospital or surgery. Though everything was white, the tiled walls seemed to have grime and mold in the grout. From the corner of her eye, Patricia saw debris in the corner.

At the same time she realized that her environment had changed, Patricia’s perspective changed in the hurdy-gurdy waywardness of the dream state. She saw herself crouched in the corner of the tiled room, convulsing over something dark and sinister. The dreamer observed herself with mounting horror. Just as she realized she shouldn’t be so close to her convulsing self, the crouching Patricia turned a snarling face at the dreamer. Her mouth was covered with blood. The juxtaposition of white teeth outlined bloody. Crouching Patricia’s maw opened in a vicious but silent scream, and dreaming Patricia realized with horror that the other Patricia was eating the gray cat.

Patricia was suddenly awake, shaking and terrified. “Oh, my God!” she thought, “What the hell is wrong with me?!” She could still feel the fear rushing through her body as she got up to go to the bathroom, her belly heavy with child by now, her footsteps slow. She felt a momentary twinge of guilt about putting her unborn baby through such an experience, and compassion rushed in afterward. “Poor baby,” she said to her unborn son.

But, just as quickly as her love reached out to him, she shut it down. “This is why you’re not staying with me, little man. The last thing you need is a crazy mama.”

As she shuffled back to bed, Patricia remembered that she’d be seeing her therapist, Dr. Evans, later in the day. “Wonder what she’ll think about this?” she asked herself, settling down into bed and calming her breathing.

4 responses

  1. I have had a reoccurring dream for years. It has not happened as much lately as it did when I was growing up.

    I dreamt that I was being chased by something. I would turn my head to see what it was but I would go suddenly blind. I have always felt that if I could what was chasing me, then I could deal with the issue and confront it. Whatever was chasing me would destroy most of my adoptive family. It was always my baby sister, Katie, and I that were left behind.

    For me, that signifies my adoption. The records being sealed was my blindness. I have often wondered if my birthmother searched for me. I am always stumped by the one question that she had for the CI. Did she complete her education? That was all that she asked. She was not curious about her grandchildren. She was fighting any curiosity about me. Her husband knew. I feel that he would have been supportive. Since one of her sons was becoming a medical doctor, I am sure that he would have been too even though he did not know of my existence.

    Knowing my family like I do, I could see my grandfather being in contact with her and not telling my adoptive mother, his daughter. He was a very secretive man. That is where the family secret thing played big in my family. I could see her attending his church. He was a minister years later.

    I had these dreams for years and years. It wasn’t until we moved to San Marcos that they stopped for a long while. It is funny how dreams reflect what is going on in our lives and even what will happen in our lives. I have so many dreams where I later in my life visited that place. Kind of a deja vous type of thing.

  2. I think that cat represents love especially a man’s love. It is always elusive with her. In fact, her eating of the cat represents the destruction that she does to the love. She intentionally sabotages herself or hurts herself. This adds to her devaluation of women.

    Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemies.

    • Amy, that’s quite an insight. In fact, I read all your comments on this series with great interest, not to mention that your insights are also touching.

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